Q
How does a simple guy know when a woman is interested in him? I mean, before she comes over uninvited after midnight and wakes a guy up and then while he's in the bathroom takes off her clothes and climbs into bed, assuring him that it's not sex in which she's interested. So, you know, interested but at a level removed from invasive slumber party? Do women give off more subtle signals, and how does one detect them with any confidence?
Anonymous
A

It sounds like one of the following things are happening:

1) She’s being selfish

She’s just using your generosity and warm body to fulfill her own need for attention or soothe her loneliness. 

2) She’s confused

Perhaps she legitimately doesn’t know what she wants. Maybe she likes you but isn’t sure you like her. So she’s making herself SUPER available. Or more likely, she is not completely attracted to you but thinks she might GET attracted to you…in the dark.

3) She’s a dummy

She’s just dumb, man. She thinks that’s appropriate, acceptable behavior and it doesn’t even occur to her that this messes with your head and your boner. Dumb!

4) She’s DRUNK

Showing up hella late, uninvited, stripping down to her skivvies, getting into your bed, slurrin’ some dumb shit like, “I’m…I’m soo not trying to have sex with you, I swear! I’m just like, fuckin, not interested in sex, you know? You’re such a good friend. You’re like, the best”. Gross. 

I would not recommend pursuing anything romantic with someone like this. The next time a girl is sincerely interested in you and she is potentially someone worth dating, I think she will make it more clear that she is interested. Certainly more clear than this bozo. 


Q
Is it better to have hemorrhoids or jock-itch?
Anonymous
A

Dear Itchy Friend,

With all the non-existant experience i have in this arena, i have to go with my gut on your groin. 

MY GUT > YOUR GROIN

I think it would be better to have hemorrhoids because:

1) “Jock itch occurs mostly in adult men and adolescent boys”

-That’s my target fuck audience. 

2) “Jock itch can be triggered by friction from clothes and prolonged wetness in the groin area, such as from sweating.”

-Which is basically all i’m trying to make happen on your jock. prolonged friction, wetness, and sweating. 

3) Most importantly, “Jock itch may be contagious. It can be passed from one person to the next by direct skin-to-skin contact or contact with unwashed clothing”

-And since us ladies would presumably be looking to achieve skin-to-skin contact with a fella, him having jock itch would be a terrific bummer and would certainly kill our lady boner. 

THEREFORE (if I knew how to do the three dotted triangle from math I would):

I decree hemorroids to be the preferred ailment of the modern man because, unless I were doing some deep B investigating, I won’t even know you have them. 

Hemorrhoids for President 2016. 

(jock itch info source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001879/)

*Yes, I acknowledge that my response was based not on how either of the ailments affect YOU but rather, how they affect ME. Thanks. I thought it was cute, too. 


Q
How does one achieve the pretty gene?
Anonymous
A

For 7 easy payments of $29.95, the answer is yours!


Q
How long should i wait before i try and feel up her boobs?
Anonymous
A

I wonder if this is what men think when they first meet a woman. 

Him: I’m Darren. Nice to meet you. I thought this was a gay bar!

Her: This isn’t a gay bar? 

Meanwhile, he’s not heard her because in his mind he was wondering “How long should I wait before I try and feel up her boobs?”.

Anyway…I dunno, like 3 dates? 


Q
Amanda, someone I think I won't like just asked me out and I am lonely, and also very awkward around strangers. I don't know if there's a question here except what should I do for dinner? I'm a vegetarian
Anonymous
A

Dear Anonymous,

Your question has left me with a few questions of my own. Why this person is a stranger to you? Is this someone you met on an online dating site? That sounds awkward! Why do you think you won’t like them? Also, do they KNOW you are a vegetarian?

In terms of dinner, I think your being a vegetarian might put you at a disadvantage. Vegetables have a tendency to get stuck in your teeth. Broccoli? Yikes. Stick to foods that you don’t have to chew very much. Cause that’s REALLY awkward. Asking each other all these “gettin to know ya” questions while you are chewing like a cow?

How about this: Just go get some frozen yogurt.